I have to be careful here.

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For many, many reasons. I know someone who works for Tuscaloosa County, Alabama, and gets to see birth certificates on a regular basis.

She has always given me a rundown of some of the, well, uh, more unusual names.

Now, we have some official records, first names only of course, of actual names given to children in Alabama and around the country for some more fun.

I can't help but wonder why a parent would do this to an innocent child.

Here are my top 5 favorites:


Arson Attack On Kyoto Animation Studio
Getty Images

Yeah, that's right, Arson.

What are you setting this child up for later in life?


Harambe Statue Placed By Wall Street's Charging Bull To Protest Wealth Disparity
Getty Images

I enjoy the fruit as much as the next person. However, why would you ever do this?


Measles Outbreaks Spread In U.S.
Getty Images

I would not have believed this one if I had not seen it with my own two eyes.

Covid caused NOTHING but death and horrible things! So you name your baby after it?



Lockdown Restrictions Take Effect In South Australia As Authorities Work To Contain COVID-19 Cluster Outbreak
Getty Images

I don't know what to say. I can't deal with it anymore.



Food Network & Cooking Channel New York City Wine & Food Festival presented by Capital One - Backyard BBQ presented by Pat LaFrieda Meats and National Beef hosted by Andrew Zimmern
Getty Images for NYCWFF

Nobody loves BBQ more than I do. It's just a fact.

But, c'mon man! Barbie Cue? This child will get roasted every day of her life!

Roasted, ha, see what I did there?

OK, a few honorable mentions:

BURP....yes, BURP.

ELLA VATOR. This is too crazy for words. These parents are on drugs.

F. INGOOD. OK, I'm done. I can't handle it anymore.

They should have their kids taken away by the state.

Maybe that's too harsh.

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